Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.

GORDON - Annoying, kind of snotty.

ANDRE - Large black guy, sensible. 

CONRAD - Shaved head, tattoos, asshole.

BENJAMIN - Normal, nice, guy next door.

JEREMY - Weird.

  

INT - LIVING ROOM

Five guys are scattered throughout the living room, the TV is on in the background.

GORDON

Let me ask you guys a question, and I am being totally hypothetical here.

ANDRE

Ok.

GORDON

Which one of us do you think would taste the best if we ate them?

ANDRE and CONRAD

Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

What?

TITLE: House Arrested - Episode 2 (Only not that. Something else because I hate that title).

CONRAD

Here's the thing. I would be gamey because I have too much muscle.

ANDRE

I'd be really gamey. We don't eat lions.

CONRAD

We don't eat lions.

GORDON

I'd be gamey.

CONRAD

You'd be the farthest thing from gamey, you'd be like veal. Lucky for you I am not crazy about veal. I'd rather eat Benjamin.

BENJAMIN

I want to know. What makes me so delicious?

GORDON

You just look like you'd cook up nice. You have just the right amount of fat, not too much but enough to give the meat that nice chew; y'know?

ANDRE

A little bit of gristle.

GORDON

Yeah.

JEREMY

I am getting kinda hungry.

CONRAD

I feel like with me...
(Conrad starts to squeeze and size up various parts of his body, his arms, legs and chest)
I don't really know where that really good meat would be but with you you'd just cut up so nice because I can see so many places that I could get a good hunk of meat from.

GORDON

I've always thought you'd be perfect for a stew.

ANDRE

Yeah, a lot of that breast meat I can't eat because it looks too fatty but that would be good in a stew.

JEREMY

I am going to go start peeling potatoes. 

Jeremy leaves. After he does we can hear him banging around in the kitchen, pulling out pots, chopping vegetables and running water.

BENJAMIN

So I am just one big delicious pig to you guys then?

CONRAD

Yes.

BENJAMIN

Am I in danger?

 GORDON

Real quick...If we did cook up Benjamin which part would you want to eat the most?

CONRAD

It's tough to say. I don't really know where Benjamin has his steak meat. 

ANDRE

That back fat around his waist, that's his sirloin. I'd have that.

CONRAD

Where does brisket come from?

ANDRE

His chest area.

CONRAD

I'd have that.

GORDON

No, you can't I am using that for my stew. 

CONRAD

Shit. Ribs then, I'd barbeque them up.

BENJAMIN

You know what's weird? This is making me hungry.

GORDON

Yeah what's Jeremy making in there? It smells good. 

INT-KITCHEN

The guys go to the kitchen to see Jeremy feverishly working away, chopping veggies and throwing them into a couple of large boiling pots.

GORDON

Oh wow, you really went to work; huh?

JEREMY

I am really busy, I am trying to get everything prepared so we can eat.

ANDRE

That smells good. Do you want help?

JEREMY

Yeah, that'd be great.

ANDRE

Alright what do you want me to do?

JEREMY

I am going to get these potatoes ready to go in the pot but I need someone to help me chop these onions, I want to make a marinade sauce. I need someone to shred garlic, Conrad that's you. I think we have fresh cloves in the back. Andre don't use that knife on those onions, use the duller knife. Gordon's going to need the good knife for Benjamin. Gordon take Benjamin up to the bathroom and into the tub before you slit his throat. The blood's going to need to drain for an hour or so which gives us just enough time to get this marinade ready, Conrad I need you to add salt and vinegar to that and actually...I think I have a wine sauce upstairs that would be perfect for this. Conrad hold off on that vinegar, Gordan after you kill Benjamin on your way back go into my room and find my cooking wine, look behind my dolls. Andre I also need you to make room in the fridge, I am going to be using the stomach meat and some of the chest but Benjamin's too big to eat today and we're going to want him to keep. There are some Popsicles in the freezer that can be thrown out to make room.

At some point during this rant everyone has stopped working and are all just staring at Jeremy.

CONRAD

Those are my Popsicles and no you can't throw them out.

ANDRE

And we're not eating Benjamin. Are you serious?

 

JEREMY

What?

GORDON

We not actually eating Benjamin.

JEREMY

Why?

BENJAMIN

BECAUSE YOU DON'T EAT PEOPLE!

JEREMY

Arrrggg...you guys were the one's talking about it.

GORDON

Yeah, talking about it. Not actually doing it.

JEREMY

I already made all this food though.

CONRAD

Well we have steak in the fridge, we can still make a nice stew.

JEREMY

(dejected) 

You guys made him sound so good.

BENJAMIN

Well...sorry?

JEREMY

Yeah.

Andre and Conrad go back to chopping the vegetables, Andre takes the steaks out of the fridge.

JEREMY

Conrad pass me that knife so I can de-bone this steak.

Conrad passes Jeremy the knife. 

JEREMY

Steak is probably just as good. Benjamin probably wouldn't have even been that...DELICIOUS!

Jeremy springs forward towards Benjamin, knife held overhead. The final shot is a jarring, loud cut of Jeremy trying desperately to eat Benjamin while the group scrambles to hold him back, screaming for him not to eat Benjamin. Cut to black.

-END-